Best of 2007

There are so many best of lists out there this time of year, I thought I'd add my best of list to the mix. The following are my favorite things of 2007:

Albums:

1) Moses Mayfield - The Inside. I'm still listening to this CD on a regular basis...and I think I got Pete into it too. "Are you are you..."

2) Travis - The Boy With No Name. I became a big Travis fan after hearing the song "Sing" in one of those movie theater pre-show radio stations that I often loathe. When I found out they were releasing a new album, I snatched it up on iTunes and I couldn't be happier with my decision. This CD kept me sane to and from work for a good two months. "My Eyes" and "Under the Moonlight" are favs of mine.

3) John Mayer - Continuum. He might have made some odd personal choices this year (Jessica Simpson??), but his albums just get better and better. I also enjoyed his "Village Sessions" EP, which contained acoustic versions of a lot of the songs on Continuum. I'm also enjoying his new single "Say" from the movie The Bucket List.

4) Brandi Carlile - The Story. In an interview, Carlile explained that her singing voice is dramatic to make up for her dull personal life. I don't know about the personal life thing, but she's definitely got a dramatic voice and a wonderful songwriting ability. Favorite tracks: "My Song," "Wasted" and "The Story."

5) James Blunt - All the Lost Souls. Solid album from a solid artist. Better than his first album, which is a good sign. I hope to include him on many top five lists for years to come. Favorite track: "1973"

Growing on me - "Not Too Late" by Norah Jones and Daughtry

Singles:

1) Umbrella - Rhianna
2) Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
3) No One - Alicia Keys
4) The Story - Brandi Carlile
5) 1234 - Feist
6) Lost - Faith Hill
7) So Small - Carrie Underwood
8) Last Request - Paolo Nutini
9) You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse
10) Grace Kelly - MIKA

Movies:

Since I don't go to the theaters much anymore, some of the following movies actually came out in 2006, but since I didn't actually see them until 2007, they made the list.

1) Children of Men - this movie should have gotten much more attention last year at awards time. It was absolutely brilliant! Buy it used at Blockbuster like I did for $5! GO!

2) Knocked Up/Superbad - Judd Apatow is on a roll and both movies prove that he is the funniest person in show business at the moment. Knocked Up was a better movie, but Superbad had some absolutely hilarious moments.

3) Little Children - I still think about this movie from time to time. That's when you know a movie is good. Kate Winslet always seems to pick the best movies...that is, except for "The Holiday" (what was she thinking?)

...wow, it's sad that this is all I can think of. Either I'm tired, or I really need to do a better job of seeing some good movies! I'm disappointed in myself.

Maybe my new years resolution needs to be, "make time for movies, music and more pop culture to keep your blog interesting." Done and done.

iPoop

Having trouble figuring out what to get the Mac lover in the family this Christmas? You know they already have the new iPhone. And the Touch iPod?!?...forget about it. That's old news to the hardcore Mac addict. I've got the answer. Get them something revolutionary in the toilet world. Get them an iPoop. I hear it can help one recover nicely from blogstipation.

The VCR makes a comeback

Is it bad that I felt kinda dirty after I watched the following video?

Fall TV Premiers - The Remainder

Sadly, premier week is over. If I've learned one thing from this year's week, it's to not believe all of the hype. Over-hyped shows are over-hyped for a reason -- they're not good and need extensive media coverage if they are to stand a chance of survival. Case in point - Private Practice.

In what will prove to be one of the worst decisions in Kate Walsh's acting career, the actress gave up a good gig on one of TV's most popular shows to join a cast of washed-up actors from failed shows in what has to be this year's biggest disappointment. Private Practice is Gray's Anatomy, only with less interesting people and dumbed-down medicine. SKIP.

Dirty Sexy Money - The pilot was great. Great acting, great premise and a great set-up for the rest of the season. The story goes something like this -- kooky family has lawyer, lawyer dies, lawyer has straight-and-narrow son who becomes lawyer for kooky family against his gut instinct. Interesting story lines ensue. CATCH.

And my favorites from last year picked up right where they left off. The Office was hilarious, as always and the staff of Gray's Anatomy's Seattle Grace has graduated to having interns of their own. Don't worry, they still have plenty of issues to sort out. Should be a good year of TV. Tracey can let you know the status of Gossip Girls and Desperate Housewives, if that's what you're into.

Still looking forward to...30 Rock and Friday Night Lights.
Need to start watching...Dexter.

Fall TV Reviews

It's TV premier week, which can only mean one thing...I've been watching way too much TV and should be doing something more productive. Nevertheless, I'm here to offer you reviews of the shows that you should catch, those you should skip and helpful TV watching tips, like always have a blanket, pillow, peanut M&Ms and a Diet Coke handy. With any luck, you'll be watching TV like a pro in no time.

New shows:

1) Back to You, starring Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. The reviews for this show were solid, which is why I decided to give it a chance. After watching, I realized that reviews are worthless and I never really liked Kelsey Grammer or Patricia Heaton that much anyway. If you're one for forced story lines and hammy acting, you'll love this show. Remember when I said to always have a pillow and blanket handy when watching TV? Well in this case, use them to take a much needed nap. SKIP.

2) Chuck, starring Zachary Levi and Yvonne Strahovski. Clever premise, solid, understated acting and some comic relief boost what could have been another snooze-worthy show into a solid, entertaining hour of television. If you don't have the time to watch it live, record it and watch it during a TV programming lull. CATCH.

3) Reaper, starring Bret Harrison, Ray Wise and Tyler Labine. Reviews for this show were solid as well, and after watching I realized that some reviews are worth listening to. The story revolves around Sam, whose soul has been sold to the devil by his parents before he was even born in an effort to save his mother from an incurable illness. Sam must capture hell's escapees and return them back to eternal damnation. Okay, so the plot sounds ridiculous and it is. But once you get past it, you'll see that it is a show with a positive message and definitely worth your time. CATCH.

Returning Shows:

1) Hereos. After an extremely disappointing season finale, Heroes is back for its sophomore season to try to recapture the magic of its first batch of episodes from season one. The premier was okay until the end, which made it a must watch again. Heroes repeats the same pattern - not that interesting for the first 50 minutes, but then a solid fifth act brings me back to life and guarantees that I'll be watching next week. If only they could make the whole show watchable maybe I could justify the show's nomination for best drama over Lost. CATCH

That's all of the new TV I've watched so far. Look for updates throughout the week as new shows like Private Practice, Dirty Sexy Money, Big Shots and Pushing Daisies premier and old favorites like Gray's Anatomy, My Name is Earl, Friday Night Lights and The Office are welcomed back into our lives.

And please, let me know what shows I should skip or catch in the comments section.

Is the "life-changing album" dead?

I was driving home from work the other day when To Zion from Lauren Hill's The Miseducation of Lauren Hill came on my iPod. I lit up with excitement, partly because I haven't heard that song in so long, but also because it brought me back to a time in my life when an album was able to educate me far more than any textbook could. There are a handful of albums that I can honestly say made me become a more interesting, cultured and wiser person. These are albums that changed my life...

As mentioned above, The Miseducation of Lauren Hill by Lauren Hill. I'm not saying that I consider this to be the best album of my life, but I remember being really intrigued by certain songs on this album and feeling like I was learning something about life by listening to it. To Zion, Ex-Factor, Doo Wop (That Thing), Every Ghetto, Every City and Everything is Everything really stand out here. The album has an amazing production value (listen to how many times Hill records a new track over herself) and some really great stories. Favorite track - To Zion


Santana's Supernatural. This CD was really different than any music I had ever listened to. I remember being fascinated by Santana's guitar playing and even more interested in his choice of musical partners. Many have tried to replicate the format of this album, including Santana himself, but none live up to this piece of art. Favorite track - The Calling (featuring Eric Clapton.)


Blue by Third Eye Blind. I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I bought this album solely because I liked the cover art. I had heard of the obvious Third Eye Blind hits like Semi-Charmed Life and Jumper, but was never enough of a fan to pick up their first album. After purchasing Blue and loving it, I went back and bought everything Third Eye Blind that I could find. Favorite track - Wounded.


Van Lear Rose by Loretta Lynn. I actually had to stop listening to this album for a while because it was so good it was painful to listen to, if that makes sense. Lynn's raw voice and even more raw storytelling is absolutely amazing. I watched Coal Miner's Daughter after I purchased this album, which only made me appreciate Loretta Lynn more. Favorite Track - Portland Oregon and Little Red Shoes.


The Messenger by Edwin McCain. There's a lot on this album that I don't like, actually, but the good songs outweigh the bad. This CD taught me what good songwriting was all about. It would be nice to see an Edwin McCain comeback, wouldn't it? Favorite track - Beautiful Life and Sign on the Door.


Sheryl Crow by Sheryl Crow. What can I say about this album that I haven't already said. This CD came out when I was a freshman in high school and I'll never forget how much smarter, grown-up and appreciative of music I felt after each listen. I actually think The Globe Sessions is Crow's masterpiece, but this album is a close second. This album started my undying love for all that is Sheryl Crow. Favorite Track - They're all amazing, but if I had to pick one, I'd say Maybe Angels.


So you'll notice that most of these albums are from the late ninety's. I don't know if it's because I am more grown-up now or what, but I can't think of an album that has come out in the past five years that has truly affected me like the one's mentioned above. Sure, there have been some great albums since then (Come Away With Me by Norah Jones, Taking the Long Way by The Dixie Chicks, Nothing Left To Lose by Mat Kearney, The Inside by Moses Mayfield to name only a few) but nothing to truly rock my world. Hopefully the next life-altering album is just around the corner.

Dylan reads Not Their Blog!

I'm just truly honored and touched that Bob Dylan, one of my personal heroes, would take the time to write a personal message about Not Their Blog. Looks like this blog is a must read for superstars too.

Fall is coming!

My most favorite time of the year is fast approaching and I couldn't be happier. Everything is better in the fall - the scenery, the weather, the football, the television, the films, the music - it just couldn't be more exciting! And this year is especially nice because I'll also be getting married in the fall, in case you, the reader, didn't already know that.

I want to take this opportunity to share with you things that I am looking forward to this fall. Maybe my excitement will rub off onto you and we can all be happy together this fall.

1) Film - The Brave One. Smart, intense, NOT like Shrek, Pirates of the Caribbean or Spiderman...what more could you want? I have a feeling we'll be hearing Jodi Foster's name come awards time if the movie does good box office. I'm also looking forward to In the Valley of Elah, Rendition, Into the Wild, Lars and the Real Girl, and Margot at the Wedding
. Can't wait!

2) TV - the return of Heroes, The Office, Gray's Anatomy (kinda), SNL and other quality shows will help to remind me just how bad summer TV really is (although Big Brother sure has been entertaining this year.) And I love getting Entertainment Weekly's Fall TV preview to map out what new shows I'll be watching this year. I hear Chuck and Pushing Daisies are supposed to be particularly good.

3) Sports! Next weekend brings the finals of the US Open, where I hope to see The Rog win his 12th major and, surprisingly, Venus Williams pull through to take the girls' prize. I'm sick of Henin and despise Serena. It would be nice to see a less cocky, more mature Venus take home the prize. And then, of course, there is FOOTBALL!! It has to be the Redskin's year right?

4) Music - I haven't heard much of what's coming out, but I do know I'm looking forward to Carrie Underwood's new CD, Carnival Ride. I have a feeling we'll be hearing of her for a while to come. The Thanksgiving holiday also brings us a lot of great music releases, as well as some good specials on TV (Faith Hill on NBC two years ago anyone?) A good Norah Jones of Micheal Buble Thanksgiving special might be nice this year.

And then there's my wedding! Hopefully my Uncle Sal comes.

Welcome to the best fall ever. Hope you enjoy it as much as I will.

Song of the day

I heard this song the other day while eating at my new favorite restaurant, Boston's. They were playing a lot of 90's music, but this song in particular really made me long for the days when the Monica Lewinsky controversy was the worst of our problems. The 90's were great. Our generation really needs to step it up with the 90's pride a little and show those aging 80's fanatics what losers they really are (I apologize if you are reading this blog and grew up in the 80s, or if you're just reading this blog. You really have a lot of time on your hands.)

Enjoy...


Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand Lyrics

Media McNuggets - Sorta

While it's not a list of 10, it is a list a 1, and that's better than none.

This video is hilarious. It just goes to show that Kanye West does have a sense of humor.

I could see this being a new trend in music videos. It's cheap, hilarious, and it actually makes you listen to the song more. Makes me wish I was older when Madonna's Like a Prayer video was released. I could have been a video superstar.

Voter's choice

You asked for it, and like any good pizza chain, I shall deliver! I share with you now my feelings on the express teller at my bank.

A normal person might think, "Hey, express teller! That means that I can do my banking business quickly in the convenience of my own car." Well apparently my bank is not run by normal people.

Allow me to set the scene. I get off work a little bit early one day. I see this as a grand opportunity to deposit some money that I've been meaning to deposit. I see the express teller lane sans cars in line, so I decide to partake in some express teller action. I fill out the deposit slip in the comfort of my air conditioned car and reach for the tube that gets sucked at the speed of light into the bank (note to self: this could be the early model of my life long dream to invent teleportation) only to notice that said tube is nowhere to be found.

Perplexed, I politely press the call button to inform the bank of this unfortunate circumstance. No answer. I press again. Without any apologies from the teller inside and a good minute to two minutes later, I hear the tube being sent my way. I insert the tube with my goodies and send it back to the teller. Mind you, at this point all I am waiting for is a receipt - a confirmation that my transaction has been completed.

Five minutes later...still waiting. Ten minutes later...still waiting. I decide to be "that guy" and press the call button until someone gets on the camera to explain to me what is going on. Finally, someone comes on and says, "Give me a few minutes while I take care of the line in here." And that's the precise moment I thought, "Something else for the blog."

If I would have known that I would have to wait for the line of people inside the bank to be serviced before the teller paid any attention to the express teller line, I would have just gone inside, thus defeating the purpose of an express teller! I also didn't appreciate the attitude of the teller who thought that I was being impatient after sitting in my car for 15 minutes, as if I should have known that express teller really means, slowest. teller. ever. Finally, I would like to virtually give the finger to all of those cars that gave me the finger for having to wait behind me to finish my express teller duties, only to grow impatient and speed off in a fury. I wasn't just waiting there for my health or to blow unnecessary car emissions into the air for fifteen minutes. I did have a purpose for being there.

In summary, beware of any sign that claims to be express. In reality, express really means "just as long as any other line and probably a little bit more annoying."

Pic of the day

I love the marketing campaign of the new Simpson's movie. With the Kwik-E-Mart 7-Eleven's and now my most favorite show getting Simpsonized...it can't get any better.

I'm still a little bit torn on whether or not to go see the movie though. I mean, I hardly watch the show anymore. If I can't bring myself to watch something that's free, am I really going to pay money to see a longer version of the show? I need some convincing.

Emmy's same old craptacular song and dance

It's the end of July, which can only mean one thing - The Emmy's announce their predictably boring list of nominees. Not that I disagree with them all, but it really is the same old list again and again with some minor rearranging of names and the inevitable addition of a useless category (this year's winner is "Special Class Program" whose standout nominee is Prince's Superbowl Halftime Show.)

I'll start out with a list of what the Emmy's got right this year...

- All of the Planet Earth nominations were deserved, especially for Cinematography (Tracey paid me to say that.)

- 30 Rock and the Office being nominated for outstanding comedy series, despite the lack of viewers. Also kudos to Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Rainn Wilson, Steve Carell, and Jenna Fischer for their acting nods. I even see that Fey was nominated for writing, which in my opinion, is the strongest part of the show.

- South Park's "Make Love, Not Warcraft" episode being recognized. It was definitely one of the best episodes of the season, if not the series.

- Resisting the urge to nominate the entire cast of Desperate Housewives in the best actress in a comedy series.

And now for what the academy failed to get right, again (and again...and again)

- I am dumbfounded that for a second year in a row Lost is not nominated for best drama. I'll admit that the beginning six episodes of this season were lackluster, but boy did the series get back on track and deliver hands down the best season finale this year. Is Boston Legal really better than Lost? I think no.

- The same list of lead actresses. Someone should do a study on how many times Mariska Hargitay, Patricia Arquette and Edie Falco have appeared as nominees simply because there aren't enough good roles for women on TV. Pick someone else, ANYONE else. I would have even settled for nominating Anna Nicole Smith for the drama that surrounded her death.

- Why must you nominate the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy in the supporting actress category? This wasn't even their best year. Pick the best one and leave spots for other shows. What about Hayden Panettiere? Her story line on Heroes saved the show in my opinion. Are there no good supporting actresses on ER? etc...

- I'm sorry Jack Bauer, you weren't the best actor this year and everyone knows it. Matthew Fox sure was good on Lost. They must have lost his tape.

- Why so much love for Dancing with the Stars? Doesn't anyone realize that it's the worst show? At least So You Think You Can Dance teaches the audience about dance and entertains us with different styles. Next year look for Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader to top this category. Ugh.

I could go on and on. Basically what I am saying is that Lost was awesome this year and the Emmys are still boring. Yawn.

My Crystal Ball

Tracey and I took a trip to the future and check out the picture we took at the Pimlico races...


...unfortunately, I let myself go just a little in the future and Tracey developed a frumpy sweater fetish. I also decided to go ahead and get some plastic surgery to get that butt chin that I've always wanted. I hope you enjoy the future as much as we did!

BB8 - Episode 3

Yes, I'm still writing about Big Brother. Get used to it!

Tuesday's episode was another quality show providing plenty of blog-worthy material.

Some high points:

1) Hands down, seeing the first America's Player assignment carried out. Eric was spot on with the Visine tears and dramatic story about an anorexic high school flame who broke his heart. My only complaint was with the editing. I wish I could have seen the whole story.

2) Joe immediately going to tell Nick that Jen is spreading the rumor that he tried to make out with her. The best moment was after Joe told he came back out and said, "Opps, I have a big mouth!" Maybe keeping him in the house won't be such a bad thing.

3) Jameka getting pissed during the power of veto competition that someone dumped her dirty laundry out all over her bed, while the rest of the house was in complete shambles. She was so annoyed that she put her clothes back in the bag, instead of playing the veto game.

And the low points...

1) Hearing Amber 1) cry every five seconds and 2) talk about God like he is a factor in this game. No, God did not put you up for eviction for a reason. I doubt God cares about Big Brother Season 8. He probably stopped watching after season 3. And if you're asking God for strength because your family is watching, it's probably not a good idea to announce yourself as a "total nympho" while flirting with Nick.

2) Noticing that Danielle is completely anorexic. It makes it really hard to watch the show. I hope she never loses a food competition because if she does, we may very well see the first reality show death.

3) Seeing Dustin's chest hair. It seems like he only brought one gray V-neck undershirt for the show. Someone should have told him that no one wears V-neck shirts anymore. Pity.

Stay tuned for Thursday's episode when we'll see who is the first house guest to go home. Personally, I hope it's Amber. She annoys me way more than Carol. CAAAAAAROL.

Five Consecutive Years!

Why is Roger Federer so awesome? Is it because he conquered his nerves and a title-hungry Spaniard named Rafa to win this year's Wimbledon? Is it because for the fifth year in a row he is the Wimbledon champion, tying Bjorn Borg's record? Is it because this was his 11th straight grand slam final? Is it because he has been in 13 career grand slam finals and has 11 grand slam titles? Is it because his last name ends in two consecutive er's? All of the above!

Watching Roger Federer play tennis is like watching Swan Lake at the best theater in the world. It's like staring for hours at the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. It's like eating Creme Brule at the place where Creme Brule was invented. I could watch him play for hours and still be excited about it up until the very end. I normally always route for the underdog, but until the day Federer retires, I will always be cheering him on.

In a way, he is the underdog -- the underdog champion. With so much tennis greatness preceding his reign (Laver, Borg, McEnroe, Conners, Agassi, Sampras), he's got so much against him to breakthrough to the top of tennis history. So many commentators say, "If he can do this or he can do that, than he'll be staking his claim as the greatest of all time." Of course, that commentary was during the French Open against clay-god Nadal, a match which Federer unfortunately lost. But they always leave out the accomplishments that this 25 year-old has already achieved (see above). If he ever can breakthrough and win the French, I believe everyone will be referring to him as "the greatest" rather than "among the greatest." Even if he fails to win the French, he'll still be the greatest in my eyes (sorry Sampras).

BB8 - Episode 2

Let the real drama begin. This season definitely has me excited, more so than any other Big Brother season, mainly because this year I get to blog about it.

Let's discuss some high moments:

1) Jen, the nanny, who had a nervous breakdown after the cast photos used to show who's been evicted from the house were revealed. She claimed the picture had "a shadow that looked like bags under her eyes, just not her bags...someone else's bags." Judge for yourself.

2) Jessica and just about everything she says. In reference to the "slop" the losing food-challenge team has to eat (which is oatmeal) she said, "It's really oaty"

3) The prospect of having Eric, America's Player, tell a house guest of America's choosing a made-up traumatic life story. I voted for Jessica because, well, she's dumb and probably gullible. Although how funny would it be to have Eric pour his heart out to one of the masculine guys in the house? Vote now if you dare.

And of course the low moments...

1) Kail already setting up a four-player alliance. Four horsemen anyone? It's already been done. See season 5.

2) Amber thinking that Kail wouldn't put her up for eviction just because they're both moms and, therefore, should have a mutual understanding. Earth to Amber, it's a game and you're rules are stupid.

3) Seeing so many commercials for Kid Nation and Pirate Master - two of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard of (which means I'm certain to be blogging about them in no time).

Is anyone else watching with me this season? Who'll be evicted? And why are Mike and Zach the same person?

My Guilty Pleasure: Big Brother

Ahhh, summer! Amid the hot dogs, pool parties and humidity is yet another growing summer staple -- Big Brother. I'm not afraid to admit my love for the show and you shouldn't be either. It's The Real World with even more conniving, back-stabbing, petty house mates. Who doesn't want to watch 14 wanna-be actors make complete asses of themselves on TV?

This season Big Brother adds another new twist to its laundry list of shocking plot turns (The Ex-Factor, Project DNA anyone?) - America's Player! Whereas the other twists were a little gimmicky, I think the America's Player idea is just genius and I can't wait to see how it plays out.

So watch the show this summer and afterwards, make a visit to this blog so we can discuss the genius that is Big Brother (and how we already want Joe off of the show.)

Let's Hear it for the Flapper

This picture just makes me laugh. He looks so naturally happy for having a flapper dress and an ankle monitoring bracelet on his leg. It really makes me miss 30 Rock. Can't wait for fall!

Just stop advertising

Every time I sign out of Yahoo I see an ad for Classmates.com. I don't have much to say about it, other than I hate it. Here are the reasons why...

1) Does anyone even use classmates.com? Chances are if you didn't stay in close contact with someone from high school, there's a reason why. And if I do get the inclination to look someone up in a few years, I'd rather find someone cool who embraces MySpace instead of someone who resorts to using classmates.com

2) That poor ugly duckling in the photo! Why tease her like that? "Hey Sharon, we have an opportunity for you. Just give us your high school photo and we'll make sure you're in advertisements all around the world." Poor Sharon.

3) Why are there buttons EVERYWHERE? There's seriously too many buttons. They need to make like the Pussycat Dolls and loosen up their buttons.

So here is my plea to Classmates.com. Please stop using this ad and please go out of business. You are taking up precious space on the world wide web for nothing.

Maneater

Hands down, the best part of being a groom is choosing the reception play list. In my search to find good music to play the night of my wedding, I came across the amazing duo of Daryl Hall and John Oats. Can I just ask how in the world these two became famous? (See picture below)...



...and in my search for Hall and Oats pictures, it just keeps getting better.



I don't know what's creepier -- the sensual gazes between Hall and Oats, or the fact that Tracey apparently knows their entire back catalog.

Watch out for a John Oats style mustache on my wedding day.

Favorite Song of the Day

I know some of you are just driving or walking around thinking, "What in the hell is Steven listening to these days?" Well fear not you crazy inquisitors! I present to you my favorite song of the day. Today's edition: One Headlight by The Wallflowers. I know, I know...it's an oldie, but oh, such a goodie! Maybe it will be your favorite song of tomorrow. Beware, the video below might take a while to load.


One Headlight Lyrics

Attack of the Birds

The following is a series of pictures that illustrates what it's like when I walk out of my house.






I also have a feeling that some of the thousands of birds that live outside of our house have fallen in with the wrong crowd and are now in a bird gang out to eat other birds' babies. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm mauled to death by an Oriole. Pray for me.

The PH craze

Since everyone likes to replace the V in my name with a PH, and since phat became the best thing since sliced bread, I've decided to embrace the PH instead of fighting against it. So, I ask, why stop at phat? There are plenty of other words that could use a PH makeover...

1) Phine - as in, "You're so phine you blow my mind" or "You want me to do the dishes? Phine! I'll do the damn dishes!"

2) Phantastic! - as in, "I had some phantastic crab legs the other day."

3) Phart - as in, "Please don't phart on me ever again. That junk is nasty."

4) Phig Newtons - as in, "Damn these Phig Newtons are tasty!"

5) Phootball - as in, "I wish it was September so I could start watching phootball again."

6) Phree - as in, "That shirt was actually phree because I stole it."

7) Phenom - as in, "Some snakes can kill you with their phenom" (hey, if they can change Steven to Stephen, I can change venom to phenom.)

I hope these new words make it into your daily vocabulary. Pheel phree to add any that I may have left out.

The Life and Times of Poops Flannigan

Creating an alter ego is hard these days. With so many TV shows and movies about comic book heroes out there, finding a good superhero that hasn't already been created is a challenge. I believe, however, that there is a character yet to be created -- one with such a riveting story, it will capture the imaginations of all Americans, or at least those who read this blog. I debut for you the first chapter in the life of Poops Flannigan.

Poops was born in the Irish quarters of New York City in 1961 to a bar-owner father named Tommy and a bread-maker mother named Deloris. His first act as a member of the human race was releasing an impressive Cosby, hence the name Poops. He was teased as a child for never being able to control his bowels in public.

Rock bottom for Poops was an embarrassing trip to the community pool, where after a glorious swan dive off the platform diving board, Poops turned the pool into his own personal toilet. Everyone at the pool began making fun of Poops, pointing and laughing until, finally he mustered up the courage to get out of the pool and walk shamefully back to his row house. It was that very day when Poops became determined to turn his unfortunate condition into something positive.

But there was someone else, someone evil, who saw Poops that day. This villainous man finally saw an opportunity to use Poops to carry out his plan of global destruction...

More on Poops Flannigan in Chapter two, The Hotel Years.

Steven's 10 Reasons - The Chicka edition

The following are Steven's 10 Reasons why I love Chick-fil-A:

1. They make really good chicken

2. I like waffle fries

3. They serve chicken biscuits for breakfast

4. They call their ice cream cones Icedream

5. Their milkshakes remind me of heaven

6. Their mascot is a freaked-out cow desperate not to be slaughtered by chains like McDonalds, Wendy's, Burger King and others

7. The first 100 people in line at a Chick-fil-A restaurant grand opening win a free meal a week for an entire year

8. You can buy big platters of their nuggets and brownies and eat them at children's birthday parties (or have them cater your wedding)

9. They close on Sunday's to honor God -- Because God hates fast food

10. Pete calls it Chicka

This has been a presentation of "Steven's 10 Reasons"

"You Don't Want A Schrutebuck?"

Next time someone at your office does something special, nice or goes out of their way for you in any way, why not give them one of these. If they decline it, simple say, "You don't want a Schrutebuck?"

Of course, they might not need a Schrutebuck if they already have one of these, equal to, of course, a unicorn and a leprecaun

Chaos (It Could All Be So Different)

Another song...working on the music for it now.

It's about the butterfly effect and whether or not if one thing changed in history, if it would change everything (more specifically, if a butterfly flapped it's wings, would it set into motion a sequence of events different than what we know today). Let me know what you think...

Chaos (It Could All Be So Different)

If that one butterfly
All the way back in time
Had never flapped its wings
A different world it’d be
If one event was changed
Life wouldn’t be the same
And if that’s good or bad
I haven’t figured yet

But I do know one thing
The condition of current events
Given one minor change
It could all be so different

If I could travel back
To when I chose this path
I don’t know what I’d do
Leave it be or change the view
If I could rearrange
The pieces of that day
Would I still be the same
Would there be a today

Well I do know one thing
The condition of current events
Given one minor change
It could all be so different

Chaos or harmony
Something better, worse or in between
Blue skies or blinding rain
Something opposite or more of the same

Well I do know one thing
The condition of current events
Given one minor change
It could all be so different
It could all be so different
Would I want it to be different?

10 Piece Media McNuggets 5/18/07

Sorry it's been a while since the last Media McNuggets. They were undergoing lab testing to rid them of Trans-Fats. Let's get the list started.

10. I love this list of whacked-out TV shows. I have fond memories of staying up to watch Dinosaurs on ABC's TGIF line-up.

9. To light a fire under my ass and get my passport, my dad sent me this friendly reminder.

8. The Office was crazy good last night. Though not as hilarious as Andy floating down the river in a Sumo suit, the episode provided some great humor, romance, Ryan's WTF? moment and two big Jan cans! Catch up on their website.

7. One word...MacGruber!

6. I love stupid people!

5. In celebration of stupid people, here is a classic Price Is Right moment. Speaking of PIR, Bob Barker wraps up 50 years on TV in June. I remember summers as a kid when I was fat watching PIR and eating an entire medium cheese pizza by myself. I always did surprisingly well at guessing the food prices on that show.

4. The Price Is Right gets a double shout out on my blog today. I can't believe this lady has a new car. No wonder Barker's retiring.

3. Seems it's not just The Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune that attract stupid people. Check out these stupid people on Family Feud.

2. Something tells me this is staged. But it's so hilarious I had to post it.

And the #1 Media McNugget is...

1. It's a toss up between Ed Helms' Zombie character or Wicked Games, the story of a horny tri-pod. Both are on Will Ferrel's funnyordie.com

I also enjoyed seeing Blake make it to the finals this week on American Idol. Watch the most exciting performance of the show this season. Speaking of Blake, I'm also enjoying the Maroon 5 single, Makes Me Wonder, and John Mayer's The Village Sessions, an acoustic version of some of his best songs from his latest album Continuum.

Nighttime Conversations

They just keep getting better and better...

T: So every morning when I go outside there's a little bunny in our yard just sitting around.
S: Oh really?
T: Yeah, just a cute little bunny. Little bun bun. Cute as can be.
S: I better not come home and find you cheating on me with a bunny.
T: Please. Like you ever get home after me.
S: I love how that's the most improbable part of that statement for you.

What happened to network TV?

My blogging efforts failed to pay off for The Class. It's a goner. Dead. Failed.

I'm sad because it was a good premise and had promise. It was that show you could turn on and not have to think about what terrorist was threatening to kill Americans this week or why in the hell is a polar bear on a tropical island? It was brainless, yet smart comedy that made me laugh out loud at least once per episode. And it was Pete's favorite show too. Let us take a moment of silence for The Class.

On a similar note, what in the hell is happening to network TV? Why is 24 the absolute worst show this season? Last year nothing could touch it and now I count down the digital real-time clock until it can finally just be over. And the new shows coming out next year don't look that promising either.

First, why aren't networks picking up good comedies? It's really sad when Two and Half Men is the most watched comedy on TV. Really?! Second, what is WITH the premises for these new shows? Look at the descriptions for some of the shows coming out next year and shake your head in disbelief with me...

Cane, a sprawling saga about a Cuban-American family running a rum business in South Florida, starring Jimmy Smits, Hector Elizondo and Rita Moreno.

-- BORING! Who cares about a rum business?

Moonlight, about an "undead" private eye who protects the living instead of feeding on them, but has eyes for an ambitious reporter.

-- Umm, are we STILL making shows about vampires?

Cavemen, Geico's commercial pitchmen, are a metaphor for everyday discrimination as they live normal lives in Atlanta.

-- Commercial, funny. Sitcom? Really?!

Life, a cop drama about a detective returned to the force after being falsely imprisoned.

- Wow, that's original.

And the worst part of all of this, we've yet to hear what Fox is bringing to the table next year. I should really start reading books.

Dinner Conversations

Again, a conversation from an almost married couple at dinner time.

T: How are the meatballs?
S: Good. Want one?
T: No, I'm really full. Want some of my chicken cheesesteak?
S: Hmmm. No, I'm okay.
T: Are you sure? Here, eat this side.
S: What, like the butthole buttcrack of the sub?

--One minute later--

S: I thought you didn't want any meatballs
T: Well, they're really good. Eat some of my sub.
S: No, I'm okay.
T: Just eat the butthole buttcrack.

Bedtime Conversations

The following is a bedtime conversation between an almost married couple. It doesn't get much better than this...

S: How did I sleep last night?
T: I couldn't even tell you. I slept all the way up to my alarm going off last night.
S: Yeah, I don't think I moved once all night
T: Me either!
S: Okay, that's a lie, I know I moved a little
T: Yeah, I moved a lot too

This is how I know we're meant to be.

Smells so sweet

I really need to start reading The Onion more. While reading a hilarious story about The Office, I came across this story from four years ago about the Olsen twins. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

LOS ANGELES-A ragged, misshapen girl was rescued from the squalid basement of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's residence.

Fw: Don't pump gas on May 15th

I received an interesting email today. I normally don't open forwards, but the topic of gas prices sparked my interest. I'm hesitant to think that something like this could work, but it certainly makes one wonder...


In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in
protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon
overnight.

On May 15th 2007, all internet users are to not go to a gas station
in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most
places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the Internet network,
and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up.

If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take
$2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION) out of the oil
companies pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station
on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry
for at least one day.

Do you think this is possible?

This guy rocks!

The man below...

...is my new personal hero.

I don't know how many of you have actually been in a Verizon store or called Verizon customer service lately, but let me tell you, they SUCK!

Let me try to briefly explain my experiences with Verizon in the past 8 months. First, when I moved into my house, we thought it would be nice to try Verizon high-speed Internet instead of the more costly Comcast Cable Internet. We did not want a house phone, because, well let's face it, Tracey and I live in the modern age and who really needs a house phone anymore? Apparently this concept is foreign to Verizon. Phone battles turned into wars and eventually after three months of their services, we decided they sucked so much that it was worth it to pay more money for Comcast's reliable service.

Then there was the debacle of last week. My incredible fiance decided to buy me a new cell phone. We arrived at the Verizon Wireless store at 7 p.m. We picked out and bought the phone by 7:20 p.m. Because the people who sell you your phone are not competent enough to do a phone book transfer, we had to wait at the customer service line. We wait, and wait, and wait. Finally we are called up and ask a question about switching our plans only to find out that we can't switch plans without paying a huge fee. So then we ask if we can just do the phone book transfer. The "chipper" sales associate informs us that we have to put our name in at the Tech Support line. Annoyed, we enter our name and see that it shouldn't be so bad, because we are the second name on the list. Then it gets ugly, literally.

We had to wait over an hour and a half, listening to a lady who kinda looked like this...

...yell and scream at the service people about all of her problems. Instead of letting the service people try to fix her problem, she just kept talking, and talking, and...talking! Finally, 9:20 p.m. rolled around and we left the store, phone book transfer complete, two hours and twenty minutes later.

The irony in this whole situation is that in the amount of time it took us to wait, I could have just done a phone book transfer on my own.

This story might not have sounded very drastic, but keep in mind that Tracey was hungry during this whole ordeal. Now do you feel my pain?

In a South Park World

I've recently been criticized that I live in a South Park world. Some of you may be asking, "What's a South Park world?" Well, one might define the term as things that I think would be funny that in the "real world" are, in fact, not funny and actually quite serious. Here are a few examples:

1) I often think it would be funny if a car explodes on the highway IF AND ONLY IF the car is occupied by a driver who rides your bumper while you are going 70 mph then passes you in anger as their speed inches closer to the 100 mph mark.



2) Sometimes I get the urge to run over people in motorized wheelchairs IF AND ONLY IF they are traveling at a snails pace across a crosswalk. I understand the people are handicapped, but the motorized wheelchairs aren't. Can't they go faster than a foot per hour? If not, there is a serious design flaw there.



3) When I see morbidly obese people eating the largest size ice cream available at ColdStone Creamery, I sometimes hope that they will literally explode. Maybe then they will understand that the amount of ice cream they eat will indeed end up killing them some day.



4) I've always thought it would be hilarious if a dolphin at one of those dolphin trick Seaworld-type shows missed a trick and ended up jumping out of the tank and landing on someone in the front row.



That's all of the humor I can take for now. If you also think these things would be funny, please speak up so I don't feel so alone.

10 Piece Media McNuggets 4/20/07

I didn't think I was going to be able to post the Nuggets this week, but I just couldn't let you guys down. Plus, when you start to have people send you links to post, you know it's catching on. I think Media McNuggets can turn into the next dance craze, a la the Macarena, if we try hard enough. This installment might me music video heavy, but they're worth it.

10. So, I didn't like this song at first. All I ever heard was, "Life is great but sometimes life ain't good" from the iTunes 30 second clip, and I would just roll my eyes and dismiss the song. Then I heard the whole song and it suddenly all came together for me.

9. Another Gray's Anatomy song to get into (and then hate 3 months from now because it's so overplayed)

8. It kinda seems like My Name is Earl is stretching a bit too much for only being in its second season.

7. Go see Blades of Glory! It's more Zoolander than Talladega, and I'm pretty sure this is not how real pairs lifts are done.

6. I really wanted to post a clip of the Digital Short that was on SNL this past week. "Hey guys, I just thought of the funniest thing!" If anyone can find it, please send it to me. So not really a nugget, but more like one of those crippled nasty pieces of fried crudiness that gets tossed in with your Nuggets.

UPDATE - watch the hilarious Digital Short, Dear Sister, now!

5. I'm digging this song. The British bad girl thing? Not so much.

4. This is just...hmmm, funny?

3. Poor Cheetah. This does not sound like a fun zoo!

2. If this show were about mayonnaise, I might have been on it. Thanks Pete for the link!

And the number 1 Media McNugget of the week...

1. I know it's sweeping YouTube, but holy crap is this video funny. I'm glad I never had to deal with Pearl. Check out Ferrell and partner Adam McKay's site, Funny or Die, for more hysterical videos.

I'd just like to add that 6 months from today, I will be a married man. So get it while you can!

The world is right again

I've been trying very hard not to talk about Idol because 1) I'm ashamed that it consumes my life so much and 2) everyone else has talked ad nauseam about every aspect of the show, but I just couldn't resist today.

THANK GOD (!) Sanjaya is finally off of that freaking show. I have to admit that I secretly wanted him to win so I would have an excuse not to watch next year. There's often an inner battle inside of me brewing as to why I watch a show that aggravates me so much. I could probably go back to school and write a thesis on why I hate American Idol so much, yet, just like the rest of America, I keep watching. Why is this show so addicting? Is it really a good tragicomedy or am I afraid that by not watching, I'll be missing out in some way? Who knows.

I'm just glad I'll no longer have to see this:

or this

EVERY SINGLE FREAKING SHOW!

Friday Night Nights

Normally, I would wait to share something like this with everyone during my Friday Media McNuggets round up, but I just thought this was too funny. In fact, it may be the most important video of the world.

Minor Movie Character Hall of Fame - Round 4

Neil beat Spider, hands down, in the previous round (and if Chris has anything to say about, "Talking Can" would have beat Neil as well).

Neil now faces the guy pictured above (sorry for the crappy picture), a minor movie character in Austin Powers Goldmember. He's so minor that I don't know the actor or character name. However, you don't know how many times I rewound the DVD to watch the split second where drool falls out of his mouth in the "Hard Knock Life" scene. In fact, one time I had to book it to the bathroom in fear that I'd pee my pants. The scene can be found in Chapter 5 of the DVD 35 minutes and 55 seconds in.

Who moves on?

At the mercy of Cowell

I finally gave into the hype last night and officially entered one of my songs into the American Idol songwriting competition. For those of you who know my music, I entered "I'm Gonna Go Somewhere" because they were looking for an inspirational song that might mirror the journey of the Idol contestants. I have a new song that I wrote a few months ago, but I couldn't record it in time.

Anyway, the point of this is, if I am selected as one of the top 20 songs, then the American public can vote for my song. If this happens, which is very unlikely, then you all must quit your jobs and dedicate your entire day to continuously voting for my song. If this commitment is too much, I suggest you stop reading this blog immediately. No, seriously. Stop reading. Press the big X in the corner and never come back. Dude, for real. Fine, I'm just going to ignore you until you leave...

Ugh, fine! Stay. Leave a comment while you're at it.